Moment of realisation

I know it’s late but I feel like I have to give this to you tonight. I feel so open, I feel so emotional and honestly, I can’t control my tears. But they are not sad tears. They are tears coming from the realisation that everything is just the way it’s supposed to be. I feel pure happiness and love right this second. I know this feeling is super real because it always hits me after a long period of sadness and confusion. I feel content within myself. I feel content for all of you. I want to cry because I know we are all going to be alright. It’s probably the full moon, she’s shedding a little light, a little hope into most of our lives this evening. Even if it’s something as small as a thought.

I am so determined to write today, I haven’t been in ages because I’ve honestly felt so lost. I’ve felt as if I had no right to write something inspirational, full of self realisation and faith, when I’ve actually been feeling the complete opposite. I doubted myself. I read through my previous posts and thought ‘who am I to give this advice to people, when I cannot take it myself. Who am I to spread so much light and positivity, when I’m so consumed in my sadness.‘ So I stopped myself from writing so many times. Seriously, you should see how many drafts I have, unfinished, just words with no truth. I stopped trying to persuade myself that I’m okay and that we all have nothing to worry about, I kind of gave up.

I’ve been a wreck for almost the whole of november, up until a few hours ago. Everything felt so heavy on my mind, the negative thoughts, the anxiety I got from thinking that I may not be doing the right thing, that there is so much more to my life than this, how on earth am I able to move on from this feeling, what is my next step? All those thoughts were weighing me down, I struggled so much to release them. I forced myself to do yoga, but that did not help. In fact, I actually felt worse because I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t do any of my balances and even cried after the session because I felt so hopeless. I tried reading, which normally calms my mind, but that didn’t help either. I couldn’t even force myself to go to the gym, because my body was completely drained. I put on a film, but was too restless and tired that I turned it off half way through (SO unlike me). But it turns out that I done all of those things because I thought they were what I needed at the time, not because I really wanted to do them. I wasn’t listening to my body, to my soul. Looking back now, all they were telling me to do was… nothing. Do nothing, rest and be still. But no, I fought with them, for ages.

Today, early afternoon, I had this urge to go for a walk, somewhere surrounded by trees and grass, pure nature. I had the urge to breathe in the cold air and watch the birds fly. I get this feeling quite a lot, but often ignore it because, lets face it, it’s freezing cold and when the urge hits you at 11.30 in the evening, it’s a bit weird to go off on your own in the middle of a forest just for a walk. And also impossible to find someone who will do it with you. But I couldn’t ignore it today. I met up with my cousin, we took a walk, we stood at the highest point of a hill and started to exchange feelings. I remember saying that I surrender to the universe. I remember having this sudden thought that maybe, just maybe, I am going through all of this because it is preparing me for what I have asked for. Love. PURE love. That is what I want. Maybe, all of my struggles and pain, family situations, doubt, maybe all of it is happening so that when it comes down to it, I will know how to acknowledge love, I will know when it’s real, and I will know how to handle it. Talking out loud helps a lot. I found that whilst doing so, my worries didn’t seem so important any more. That’s all they were, worries. Not real problems, but just worries that my mind has been collecting over time. I felt really grounded and was able to push those horrible, heavy thoughts away. In fact, it took some time for me to remember what they were, they were so light, almost gone. Just like that, my negative feelings released. Just by taking that one little step and listening to what my soul was telling me to do.

My point is, sometimes, what you think you need might be the wrong thing. What you think will make you feel better, often doesn’t. What you think you should be doing, might actually make you feel worse. So, go with your feelings. Forget your logical mind. Forget what the world says that you should do when you feel down and unable to find a reason to be happy. Go with what your heart is telling you to do. No matter how crazy it is, find someone to do it with if you need to and GO FOR IT, because I believe that the feelings from your heart are really just translations of the words from your soul. Whatever you feel, you must trust. And what ever it tells you, you must listen. It will always be right in the moment. The moment is all that matters. Surrender yourself to life, trust it and know that timing is everything. It is okay to do nothing, sometimes the most important thing that you have yet to learn happens through stillness. Quiet your mind and take a step back.

I know things are tough, really tough, but I swear there will ALWAYS be something that comes into your life that will brighten your day, that will make you smile when you’re in the worst mood. There will always be that little bit of love that the universe will send you, just to keep you going, just to show you it’s all worth it, to give your life a little purpose for the moment. What you do with that and how you interpret it, is completely down to you. But look out for those little things.

I hope it get better for all of you, I am sure it will. For those of you who are already experiencing better, I am happy for you and only hope that you appreciate all that you have x

Letting go of the hate!

Okay maybe hate is a really strong word but when it comes down to how badly you’ve been treated then I suppose hating it is understandably normal.

Doesn’t it stress you out when you’re in bed, awake, WIDE awake late at night, thinking about all of the things that you’ve been through, and all of the people who have wronged you! You over think it. You start hating what they done to you more than when they actually done it, because it hits you, that they never actually realised how much it affected you? Don’t you hate knowing that no matter how much you think about it, it will not change anything?

I was actually the worst person when it came to this way of thinking. I would wind myself up so much. The main thing that got to me, was knowing that I hadn’t received an apology from those people who hurt me. It would have meant so much to me, they could have given me a decent reason for doing for they had done and a genuine apology for it. But nope. It angered me even more knowing that would NEVER happen. So I was always in battle with my thoughts. I would feel so drained and tense after thinking about it. I could literally feel what it was doing to my inner peace, my body…my heart!

I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t actually matter, none of it matters anymore. I began to understand that I don’t need an apology for any of it because it will not change what had happened. I realised that what I truly needed was to move on from it, and the only way to move on was to forgive! Forgive them. Forgive myself. So I slowly, and I mean slooooowly, attempted to start forgiving. I told the universe I was ready to move on from everything so that it could never bother me again, and that I would accept anything it put in my life that would help me on my journey of letting go. Funnily enough, these people actually came back into my life afterwards, by a text message and a few encounters. I knew it was time for forgiveness to happen so I went a long with it. The universe heard me.

It was tough, because those people brought back hurtful memories. It was even harder seeing that they still weren’t guilty or sorry AT ALL. In the end (a long time after) I chose to accept all of it. I’ve probably mentioned this in my other posts, but when there is acceptance, there is change. Good change. I trained myself to let go of the hate. I’d lay awake at night to find myself thinking about it, but instead of giving those thoughts power, which meant I would stay awake for hours still thinking about it, I decided to push them away. Literally. I visualised myself grabbing my thoughts and throwing them away. I FORCED myself to stop thinking about it. It was really hard. I felt like I was fighting with two different sides of me. Sounds really weird, but after weeks of doing this, my mind slowly got used to not thinking about it. Every now and again, I lay awake and think about how happy I am with myself for doing that. For actually sticking to my word and not giving in to my negative and hateful thoughts towards my past. There’s always something (loads of things actually) that keep me up. But I’m proud to say it’s not the past!

Even something as small as your regrets, decisions and actions you’ve made, or the arguments with family and friends, or those sly comments from the people you work with. Or even work itself. Just let it all go. What is the point of letting these things wind you up? There are things we have no control over. The only thing we can control, is our reaction to them and how much power we really give them.

So, aim to be so full of love and light that there is no room for hate and darkness. Let the love within you be so strong that it overrides any kind of tension you feel in your heart and mind.

Remember, none of it matters anymore.

Xx

Love your past 

You never really know how much your past has affected you or even if it has affected you at all. But it does and it has, it is the way you talk, your mindset, the change in you, your actions, your goals. Your past shapes your entire present life, both positively and negatively. I suppose you would only truly understand just how much, if you are going through some kind of self growth and awareness. The ego will always ignore its past.

I used to have this one person in my life who wasn’t interested in hearing anything I had to say about my past. He told me that the past was over, that it was irrelevant and pointless to talk about. Well, that is not true. Firstly the past is very important, it’s healthy to talk about it and reflect on it every now and then. At the end of the day, it is what has made you into the person you are today, so in order for someone to really love and understand you, they also need to love and understand your past. If you ever come across those people who do tell you to forget the past and completely avoid talking about it, it is only because they are trying to avoid their own past. They are either too hurt or too ashamed of it.

I kept a diary from 2006 to 2014. I loved writing in it, mostly because I could express my emotions freely. It was like my secret treasure, I valued it so much and was so pleased that I had something to look back on in the future. I looked back at it about a year ago and found myself crying. I cried because I couldn’t believe how naive and foolish I was. It was all so negative. I felt so ashamed of my past and the stupid situations I’d put myself in, which only led to emotional pain. I couldn’t believe that I was still putting myself in the same situations as I did when I was 13 years old. I was angry at myself for not learning, for allowing myself to be treated the same way for years and yeeeeears. For not loving myself and for not putting myself first. This was definitely a very important self realisation moment for me.

My friend came round just as I was about to shred my diary to pieces, I just didn’t want to be reminded of who I was and all the pain I put myself through. I say I put myself through it because I could have had the power to stop it all. I don’t blame those people who hurt me, although they were wrong, it was me who let them do what they had done. At the time, realising this absolutely broke me. But my friend stopped me from shredding it, she told me that it was proof of who I was and that it has made me who I am. She told me it was beautiful and to not be ashamed of it. She was absolutely right. I kept it. From that moment there was a shift of darkness inside me. I felt a huge change. I promised I would change and start being good to myself by only involving myself with people who were also good to me.

Now, my past is a reminder of how much I’ve changed for the better. Now, I look back and feel so proud that I kept my promise. Now, I am learning what it is like to truly love and respect myself.

No matter how hard something might be, DO IT. Do it for yourself. Do it because if you don’t, you will be stuck, you will never change and then 5 years from now, you will find that you are in the same situations, with the same old mindset.

There are things that have happened in my past that are still affecting me, those of which I really did have no control over. Things that my soul and time are trying its hardest to heal. Things that will take much longer than a moment of realisation for me to change, no matter how bad I want it to. But the most important part of it all is being aware. Only when you are aware of it can you try to overcome it. It is all part of our journey.

Use the past as a lesson, write your wrongs, forgive yourself and others. Look at it with love and give yourself some credit. Talk about it whenever you feel like it because the more you do, the more you start realising why things happened the way they did. If you can’t think of parts of your past without getting irritated or upset, or even feeling as if you hated who you were back then, use that as an indication that you need to heal that part of you. Not by putting the blame on others, or yourself, God or the world, but by understanding it and then accepting it. Truly accepting it. Your past is a part of you, you are stuck with it forever, it will never change, it will never leave you, so learn to live with it. Learn to acknowledge and accept it. Find peace in your past. Be so accepting of it that when you think back, you don’t feel sadness or anger, just strength and wisdom. Look back and smile because it has made you who you are in this exact moment. Know that one day this moment will also be your past, so make these moments last, be aware of how you treat yourself and others, live your life so that you don’t look back and regret anything. Take risks and be the best person you can be.

xxx

DEJA VU experience in Italy made me understand what they really are…

I have this theory that Deja vu’s are dreams that we have had, that we cannot remember. Dreams of our past life, where we have re-lived a certain moment, just in different lifetimes and bodies. Also dreams of our future. We all have psychic abilities whether you believe it or not. Our dreams are the number one ways our minds can show us things that we do not know yet, without us having to practice it and without us even realising. A lot of us can’t actually remember our dreams, which is why deja vu’s seem so confusing and unusual. Like a blur.

I remember my first ever deja vu. I was walking into my secondary school one random day, it wasn’t a special day or anything, but I remember looking at the playground, the people in front of me, the blue benches and thinking ‘Wait!? I have done this before’ I think I was in year 8. HOW WEIRD IS THE FEELING? It stuck with me the entire day. I was so in love with it though. The fact I had no idea how and why we got them absolutely excited me, probably because I knew deep down that they weren’t random, that they meant something more…

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The cycle of real change…

I just want to begin by saying THANK GOD this month is nearly over! September woke up a side of myself that I thought was long gone. It woke the darkness up, I had no idea it was still there because I tried to hard to ignore it…

I focused so much on the good for a very long time, which obviously, you are supposed to do, but I forgot the bad existed. I shut the darkness out. So when it forced its way back into my life this month, it surprised me. I questioned it and tried my hardest to fight it. But the truth is, no matter how hard I fight, it doesn’t change the fact that it HAS to happen. It doesn’t change the fact that it is there…

Continue reading “The cycle of real change…”

My dreams never fail to amaze me…

Around a week ago me and my dad were having a conversation about him moving to cyprus and starting up his own business there. I was so happy when he mentioned that he wanted to do this as I have always known he would be happier over there. I want the best for him…But it was just a thought, nothing more.

Last night, I dreamt that I was in cyprus with my dad, we were walking around somewhere that looked unusually new and lively, the vibes were amazing. I couldn’t recognize the place but I do remember thinking that the area would be the perfect area to open up a business in. We walked around for ages, I had only positive thoughts come through, whilst my dad was quite uncertain and skeptical, as you would be. He questioned me, he questioned his idea to move. In that moment, my granddad appeared. My granddad passed away years ago and the only time he visits me in my dreams is when he needs to let me know he is here for us. In this dream he was young, younger than I have ever seen him, he was full of life and very healthy. He didn’t say a word but my soul knew that he was telling me he was there for my dad. He was supportive of my dad’s idea to go to cyprus. He would be right beside him.

I woke up and I felt the sudden urge to write it down as I normally do because I hate the idea of forgetting such a powerful dream like this. But I also normally never end up doing so as I get carried away with my actual life and forget. I knew it meant something though, I knew that I would remember it if I was supposed to. Throughout the entire day today I kept visualising my granddad and the message he left in that dream. It was so intense that I felt as if it had been real. That’s how I knew. So I told myself I would call my dad later on and tell him, once I did, he was so relieved to hear it. It gave him that extra bit of confidence and support that he needed.

I just thought this was amazing. My granddad heard of his sons plans and had come through to tell me that he approved. How beautiful.

Not a lot of people really believe that this kind of stuff is real, that someone can come through to them in their dreams… So pleassssseeee, if you do experience dreaming of a loved one who has passed away, it is real! They are really there. Don’t brush it off the moment you wake up. It is very rare to dream of someone who has passed and if you do, it is because there is something they would like you to know, most of the time it is that they are there for you. Or that they want you to know they are happy and safe and that there is nothing to worry about. Don’t ignore them, listen to them. Also, if you have noticed that they always look healthy and happy in your dreams, nothing like what they did the moment they passed…it is because they are! Pain does not stay with you when you pass, only love and forgiveness.

Don’t look for it though, they will only come when they need to…

x

Patience

Do you ever get those days where you feel like you cannot get anything done? Things are moving so fast and you can’t keep up? You set unrealistic goals for yourself, then stress trying to make them happen. I am in this position right now, have been for ages. This year has honestly been on the go, nonstop, which is very unusual for me because I do everything in my power to make sure my life is calm and sloooow. Only because I’m the type of person that gets really overwhelmed when I don’t have enough down time, time to myself. And by time, I don’t just mean one or two days…I’m talking at least 2 weeks every now and then, to recharge my batteries and focus on me. I seriously have found myself saying “I just want to be alone” way too many times recently. But no, this year, especially the past month, has been very challenging. I’m trying to fit so much into my days and my head is literally going to explode.

Anyone else feeling like this? Because I’m feeling like most of us are going through this exact same thing.

This year is a year where we are focusing on ourselves, much more than we expected. We have visions and goals that we are trying to pursue. Last year we were quite stuck and unsure of what it was that we really wanted in life…we always knew deep down but it’s all coming out now. It’s happening. It’s a year of self growth, love and awareness and I see us really connecting with our own souls as well as understanding others.

But (and I’m saying this to myself too) we need to relaaaaxxxxx!! Yes we know what we want, yes we are trying to make it happen, yes we probably know that it will happen but only when the time is right! Things will happen when they are supposed to and only the universe knows when that is. We just have to remain PATIENT and trust that although it may seem that our efforts and hard work are being ignored, they are not. They are being heard, appreciated and slowly becoming real.

Sometimes the best thing to do when your mind is busy and all you’ve been doing is rushing around trying to keep to your ‘plan’, is to stop. It is more than okay to push your dreams to the side for a few days, weeks, even months! Don’t feel bad, don’t feel that because you haven’t been giving it your all, that you do not deserve it. Don’t feel that if you stop pursuing for a while, that it will all end. It won’t, if anything you will start again and you will be better, more confident and knowledgable than what you were before. I find myself saying things like “Why am I not doing this? I should be doing this” truth is I shouldn’t be. What I should be doing is listening to my intuition and doing what feels natural. So don’t force yourself to do something because you feel you have to, that’s how passion dies. Rest your mind and take a moment to tell yourself that not everything has to happen when you want it to. Life (unfortunately) does not work that way. Remember that good things are worth waiting for. But as long as you give it those positive, nurturing thoughts, believe, it will happen.

My patience is being tested this year I tell you that.

X