Tag: Self Growth

A little time…

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I know I haven’t been posting a lot recently, I want to, but as bad as this might sound, I have not had the slightest bit of energy to do so. Everyday life is draining me to the max and I’m trying to deal with it in the best way I can. Not sure if I’m doing a good job but hey, at least I’m trying right?

You know those pressures you feel when you start something new, a hobby, blogging, poetry, workouts etc, but you also know you aren’t doing it as much as you should be. It pisses you off even more knowing that you want to, but can’t mentally do it. Or you can do it, but know you wont be giving it your all. That is me right now.

My minds been a blur, there’s so many things I’d like to write about, but it’s a mess up there. It’s all jumbled and I can’t seem to find the right way of writing things. I can’t express my words the way that I expect to when I begin writing. Is that normal? I don’t know. But its winding me up. It’s most probably the over thinking that builds this block in my mind, in my writing, so I suppose once I stop thinking about it, it will come naturally. That’s just the way this works though isn’t it? It’s the way the universe has always worked.

Once you put so much thought into something, it’s as if the thought no longer exists and it becomes nothing. You lose sight of the bigger picture, you lose sight of what you wanted in the first place. That pure original thought ends up being replaced with worry, doubt and ego.

So long story short. I’m working on it.

We all gotta work on what ever is dragging us down emotionally, spiritually and mentally. But at the same time, making sure to remember that it is okay to take a little break from things. No matter how much you love doing them. No matter how much you know you want to do them things. It may be, that all we need, is a little time to rediscover our pure intentions again.

x

6/1/2018

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Tonight, I came home from being out the entire day, went straight to my mum, and asked her, “why is it that I can be so close to doing something, I get so excited that I’m about to do it, but it never ends up happening?” I was so down. So disappointed with so many things at the time. So I went to my room, picked up a book and started reading, in hope that it would make me feel a little better.

10 minutes later, my mum rushed into my room, as if she had just remembered something and HAD to tell me before she forgot it, and said…”maybe it’s not happening just yet, and with the people who you want it to be happening with, because there is better waiting for you.”

We both looked at each other for a few seconds just smiling.

Maybe that’s true?

True or not, I needed that. My mums not one to give all that spiritual, out of the box advice, she’s normally a ‘get on with it and do what you gotta do’ kind of person, so this was quite powerful. Like a slap in the face, wake the flip up moment.

I have been wanting to do certain things for so long now, and have had multiple opportunities to do them, but something always gets in the way. Either my intuition tells me it’s not right, or someone let’s me down. But, like everyone in this world, my life lessons are always learnt through the most uncomfortable moments of my life. The moments when I am the most lost and confused.

The universe is forever teaching me patience and how to trust that when things are right for me, when the timing is also right, those things will become easier to reach. Easier to understand. Easier to accomplish. I lost sight of that. My mum, through those few words, opened my eyes again.

Things happen when they are supposed to happen. It might even take YEARS for what you want, to become available to you. Sometimes things might not happen the way that you thought it would, because you are supposed to be doing something other than what you expected. Sometimes you don’t end up being with the people you imagined, because you deserve better. Sometimes, you don’t get that job you wanted because, again, you deserve better. Whatever it is, what ever the obstacles are that may be blocking you from reaching your dreams and plans, let them be there. They are there for a purpose that you will only understand once they are no longer there.

It’s so important that we stay positive and never doubt ourselves in these moments of confusion. You can listen to all the advice that you are given, but only you, your higher self and your inner wisdom, knows the true answer. Even if the answer is simply, to wait.

Letting go of the hate!

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Okay maybe hate is a really strong word but when it comes down to how badly you’ve been treated then I suppose hating it is understandably normal.

Doesn’t it stress you out when you’re in bed, awake, WIDE awake late at night, thinking about all of the things that you’ve been through, and all of the people who have wronged you! You over think it. You start hating what they done to you more than when they actually done it, because it hits you, that they never actually realised how much it affected you? Don’t you hate knowing that no matter how much you think about it, it will not change anything?

I was actually the worst person when it came to this way of thinking. I would wind myself up so much. The main thing that got to me, was knowing that I hadn’t received an apology from those people who hurt me. It would have meant so much to me, they could have given me a decent reason for doing for they had done and a genuine apology for it. But nope. It angered me even more knowing that would NEVER happen. So I was always in battle with my thoughts. I would feel so drained and tense after thinking about it. I could literally feel what it was doing to my inner peace, my body…my heart!

I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t actually matter, none of it matters anymore. I began to understand that I don’t need an apology for any of it because it will not change what had happened. I realised that what I truly needed was to move on from it, and the only way to move on was to forgive! Forgive them. Forgive myself. So I slowly, and I mean slooooowly, attempted to start forgiving. I told the universe I was ready to move on from everything so that it could never bother me again, and that I would accept anything it put in my life that would help me on my journey of letting go. Funnily enough, these people actually came back into my life afterwards, by a text message and a few encounters. I knew it was time for forgiveness to happen so I went a long with it. The universe heard me.

It was tough, because those people brought back hurtful memories. It was even harder seeing that they still weren’t guilty or sorry AT ALL. In the end (a long time after) I chose to accept all of it. I’ve probably mentioned this in my other posts, but when there is acceptance, there is change. Good change. I trained myself to let go of the hate. I’d lay awake at night to find myself thinking about it, but instead of giving those thoughts power, which meant I would stay awake for hours still thinking about it, I decided to push them away. Literally. I visualised myself grabbing my thoughts and throwing them away. I FORCED myself to stop thinking about it. It was really hard. I felt like I was fighting with two different sides of me. Sounds really weird, but after weeks of doing this, my mind slowly got used to not thinking about it. Every now and again, I lay awake and think about how happy I am with myself for doing that. For actually sticking to my word and not giving in to my negative and hateful thoughts towards my past. There’s always something (loads of things actually) that keep me up. But I’m proud to say it’s not the past!

Even something as small as your regrets, decisions and actions you’ve made, or the arguments with family and friends, or those sly comments from the people you work with. Or even work itself. Just let it all go. What is the point of letting these things wind you up? There are things we have no control over. The only thing we can control, is our reaction to them and how much power we really give them.

So, aim to be so full of love and light that there is no room for hate and darkness. Let the love within you be so strong that it overrides any kind of tension you feel in your heart and mind.

Remember, none of it matters anymore.

Xx

Love your past 

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You never really know how much your past has affected you or even if it has affected you at all. But it does and it has, it is the way you talk, your mindset, the change in you, your actions, your goals. Your past shapes your entire present life, both positively and negatively. I suppose you would only truly understand just how much, if you are going through some kind of self growth and awareness. The ego will always ignore its past.

I used to have this one person in my life who wasn’t interested in hearing anything I had to say about my past. He told me that the past was over, that it was irrelevant and pointless to talk about. Well, that is not true. Firstly the past is very important, it’s healthy to talk about it and reflect on it every now and then. At the end of the day, it is what has made you into the person you are today, so in order for someone to really love and understand you, they also need to love and understand your past. If you ever come across those people who do tell you to forget the past and completely avoid talking about it, it is only because they are trying to avoid their own past. They are either too hurt or too ashamed of it.

I kept a diary from 2006 to 2014. I loved writing in it, mostly because I could express my emotions freely. It was like my secret treasure, I valued it so much and was so pleased that I had something to look back on in the future. I looked back at it about a year ago and found myself crying. I cried because I couldn’t believe how naive and foolish I was. It was all so negative. I felt so ashamed of my past and the stupid situations I’d put myself in, which only led to emotional pain. I couldn’t believe that I was still putting myself in the same situations as I did when I was 13 years old. I was angry at myself for not learning, for allowing myself to be treated the same way for years and yeeeeears. For not loving myself and for not putting myself first. This was definitely a very important self realisation moment for me.

My friend came round just as I was about to shred my diary to pieces, I just didn’t want to be reminded of who I was and all the pain I put myself through. I say I put myself through it because I could have had the power to stop it all. I don’t blame those people who hurt me, although they were wrong, it was me who let them do what they had done. At the time, realising this absolutely broke me. But my friend stopped me from shredding it, she told me that it was proof of who I was and that it has made me who I am. She told me it was beautiful and to not be ashamed of it. She was absolutely right. I kept it. From that moment there was a shift of darkness inside me. I felt a huge change. I promised I would change and start being good to myself by only involving myself with people who were also good to me.

Now, my past is a reminder of how much I’ve changed for the better. Now, I look back and feel so proud that I kept my promise. Now, I am learning what it is like to truly love and respect myself.

No matter how hard something might be, DO IT. Do it for yourself. Do it because if you don’t, you will be stuck, you will never change and then 5 years from now, you will find that you are in the same situations, with the same old mindset.

There are things that have happened in my past that are still affecting me, those of which I really did have no control over. Things that my soul and time are trying its hardest to heal. Things that will take much longer than a moment of realisation for me to change, no matter how bad I want it to. But the most important part of it all is being aware. Only when you are aware of it can you try to overcome it. It is all part of our journey.

Use the past as a lesson, write your wrongs, forgive yourself and others. Look at it with love and give yourself some credit. Talk about it whenever you feel like it because the more you do, the more you start realising why things happened the way they did. If you can’t think of parts of your past without getting irritated or upset, or even feeling as if you hated who you were back then, use that as an indication that you need to heal that part of you. Not by putting the blame on others, or yourself, God or the world, but by understanding it and then accepting it. Truly accepting it. Your past is a part of you, you are stuck with it forever, it will never change, it will never leave you, so learn to live with it. Learn to acknowledge and accept it. Find peace in your past. Be so accepting of it that when you think back, you don’t feel sadness or anger, just strength and wisdom. Look back and smile because it has made you who you are in this exact moment. Know that one day this moment will also be your past, so make these moments last, be aware of how you treat yourself and others, live your life so that you don’t look back and regret anything. Take risks and be the best person you can be.

xxx

The cycle of real change…

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I just want to begin by saying THANK GOD this month is nearly over! September woke up a side of myself that I thought was long gone. It woke the darkness up, I had no idea it was still there because I tried to hard to ignore it…

I focused so much on the good for a very long time, which obviously, you are supposed to do, but I forgot the bad existed. I shut the darkness out. So when it forced its way back into my life this month, it surprised me. I questioned it and tried my hardest to fight it. But the truth is, no matter how hard I fight, it doesn’t change the fact that it HAS to happen. It doesn’t change the fact that it is there…

Continue reading “The cycle of real change…” →