I know it’s late but I feel like I have to give this to you tonight. I feel so open, I feel so emotional and honestly, I can’t control my tears. But they are not sad tears. They are tears coming from the realisation that everything is just the way it’s supposed to be. I feel pure happiness and love right this second. I know this feeling is super real because it always hits me after a long period of sadness and confusion. I feel content within myself. I feel content for all of you. I want to cry because I know we are all going to be alright. It’s probably the full moon, she’s shedding a little light, a little hope into most of our lives this evening. Even if it’s something as small as a thought.
I am so determined to write today, I haven’t been in ages because I’ve honestly felt so lost. I’ve felt as if I had no right to write something inspirational, full of self realisation and faith, when I’ve actually been feeling the complete opposite. I doubted myself. I read through my previous posts and thought ‘who am I to give this advice to people, when I cannot take it myself. Who am I to spread so much light and positivity, when I’m so consumed in my sadness.‘ So I stopped myself from writing so many times. Seriously, you should see how many drafts I have, unfinished, just words with no truth. I stopped trying to persuade myself that I’m okay and that we all have nothing to worry about, I kind of gave up.
I’ve been a wreck for almost the whole of november, up until a few hours ago. Everything felt so heavy on my mind, the negative thoughts, the anxiety I got from thinking that I may not be doing the right thing, that there is so much more to my life than this, how on earth am I able to move on from this feeling, what is my next step? All those thoughts were weighing me down, I struggled so much to release them. I forced myself to do yoga, but that did not help. In fact, I actually felt worse because I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t do any of my balances and even cried after the session because I felt so hopeless. I tried reading, which normally calms my mind, but that didn’t help either. I couldn’t even force myself to go to the gym, because my body was completely drained. I put on a film, but was too restless and tired that I turned it off half way through (SO unlike me). But it turns out that I done all of those things because I thought they were what I needed at the time, not because I really wanted to do them. I wasn’t listening to my body, to my soul. Looking back now, all they were telling me to do was… nothing. Do nothing, rest and be still. But no, I fought with them, for ages.
Today, early afternoon, I had this urge to go for a walk, somewhere surrounded by trees and grass, pure nature. I had the urge to breathe in the cold air and watch the birds fly. I get this feeling quite a lot, but often ignore it because, lets face it, it’s freezing cold and when the urge hits you at 11.30 in the evening, it’s a bit weird to go off on your own in the middle of a forest just for a walk. And also impossible to find someone who will do it with you. But I couldn’t ignore it today. I met up with my cousin, we took a walk, we stood at the highest point of a hill and started to exchange feelings. I remember saying that I surrender to the universe. I remember having this sudden thought that maybe, just maybe, I am going through all of this because it is preparing me for what I have asked for. Love. PURE love. That is what I want. Maybe, all of my struggles and pain, family situations, doubt, maybe all of it is happening so that when it comes down to it, I will know how to acknowledge love, I will know when it’s real, and I will know how to handle it. Talking out loud helps a lot. I found that whilst doing so, my worries didn’t seem so important any more. That’s all they were, worries. Not real problems, but just worries that my mind has been collecting over time. I felt really grounded and was able to push those horrible, heavy thoughts away. In fact, it took some time for me to remember what they were, they were so light, almost gone. Just like that, my negative feelings released. Just by taking that one little step and listening to what my soul was telling me to do.
My point is, sometimes, what you think you need might be the wrong thing. What you think will make you feel better, often doesn’t. What you think you should be doing, might actually make you feel worse. So, go with your feelings. Forget your logical mind. Forget what the world says that you should do when you feel down and unable to find a reason to be happy. Go with what your heart is telling you to do. No matter how crazy it is, find someone to do it with if you need to and GO FOR IT, because I believe that the feelings from your heart are really just translations of the words from your soul. Whatever you feel, you must trust. And what ever it tells you, you must listen. It will always be right in the moment. The moment is all that matters. Surrender yourself to life, trust it and know that timing is everything. It is okay to do nothing, sometimes the most important thing that you have yet to learn happens through stillness. Quiet your mind and take a step back.
I know things are tough, really tough, but I swear there will ALWAYS be something that comes into your life that will brighten your day, that will make you smile when you’re in the worst mood. There will always be that little bit of love that the universe will send you, just to keep you going, just to show you it’s all worth it, to give your life a little purpose for the moment. What you do with that and how you interpret it, is completely down to you. But look out for those little things.
I hope it get better for all of you, I am sure it will. For those of you who are already experiencing better, I am happy for you and only hope that you appreciate all that you have x